


Even Crabs Have Their Soft Spots

by TheAlternativeRuler



Series: this was supposed to be a sadstuck Johnkat oneshot what even happened [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cussing, John blaming himself for everything, M/M, Sadstuck, alternate meeting sort of, failed shenanigans, long oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-27 20:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2705552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAlternativeRuler/pseuds/TheAlternativeRuler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Don't touch me!" John cries out, curling further in on himself. </p><p>You retract the hand you were reaching out with to touch his shoulder. You can't help but feel your blood-pusher melting into a vile puddle of goopy feelings at the sight of the broken god before you. You didn't ever consider it, you never thought it was actually POSSIBLE.</p><p>Your think-pan definitely isn't prepared for this reality-shattering realization: you, Karkat Vantas, actually PITY John Egbert.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even Crabs Have Their Soft Spots

**Author's Note:**

> I've been having lots of Johnkat feelings lately…

Your name is John Egbert, and all your friends are dead.

But maybe you should elaborate a bit, can't drop a bomb like that without explaining the reasons behind it.

After those three long years aboard that stupid golden ship, you finally, FINALLY, reunited with your other friends. It was possibly the best day of your life. You hugged the fuck out of Dave, got a hug and a gentle hair ruffling from Rose, and you pushed Karkat down a flight of friendship stairs. It was awesome, you really missed everyone, you'd all been apart and out of contact for far too long. 

That first day was just spent catching up on your respective voyages. You learned who'd died before and along the way, they learned some interesting things about the game's inner secrets, and you all also swapped stories just for fun. It was natural, talking to Dave, Rose, and the trolls in person. It felt as if you'd all known each other for ages and saw each other every day.

The second day was spent in planning and scheming up more shenanigans to beat this game at its own game. Actually, it's more like the rest of that week was spent plotting your next move, since there were so many differing opinions. Rose and Karkat became the main strategists, while integrating suggestions and corrections from the rest of the team.

Eventually, you all got your shit together and a plan was formulated. It was all a jumbled bunch of spaghetti with all the details and timing that had to be JUST RIGHT. You honestly didn't even know every aspect of the plan, just your specific role and of course, the desired outcome. 

Everything began falling into place, the pieces of the puzzle all set up just right, but then it all went to hell in a hand-basket.

You were floating a few feet off the ground at your post, waiting for your signal. Suddenly, you heard a blood-curdling scream of terror, and you recognized it as Jade's. You blasted over to where you heard the sound and found Jade being cornered by a horde of giants with dog features. They all growled menacingly at her as their jaws snapped hungrily and their eyes narrowed.

You jumped in front of Jade quickly, hammer raised, glaring at the monsters. Jade stared in shock as you clobbered one of them, but about ten more took its place. You fought as hard as you could, but it seemed like they were a never-ending wave, always more to replace the ones you smashed. At one point, you had your back turned to the hoard while fighting a particularly big one. All you heard was a scream of your name, a roar, and then silence. 

You turned and stared on in horror as you saw your ectosister fall to the ground, dead. Huge claw marks were ripped into her torso. She'd died to protect you, a heroic death. She wouldn't be coming back.

The sound of your heart breaking and the screams and cries that followed could be heard for miles. You used all of your anger and sadness to fuel yourself, killing monster after monster. You wanted to avenge your sister, you wanted to make those creatures PAY. 

But even with all of your newfound determination and strength, you were overpowered. Just as you were about to be sliced into bits, Rose flew in from nowhere and stabbed a monster's eyes out with her knitting needles. The two of you fought furiously, and eventually all of the monsters were just piles of grist. 

She urged you to follow her, said that Dave and the others needed help NOW, but it was too late. Dave and Terezi came running for their lives, with Jack Noir in hot pursuit. A little farther behind him, you could see Bec Noir on the ground, dead as a doornail. 

"Run! For fuck's sake, run!" Dave yelled, grabbing Rose's and your arms. 

"W-wait a second! Where are Karkat, Kanaya, and Gamzee!?" you exclaimed in confusion.

"Kanaya and Gamzee are dead. I have no idea where Karkat went. Now we need to go!" Terezi explained in a hurry, running off in front.

"What about Davesprite?" Rose asked as you all ran for your lives. Dave shook his head in response, and you knew what that meant. Holy shit, all your friends were dying around you! How the fuck was that happening!?

You continued running, but Jack caught up to you eventually. It was inevitable, you supposed, after everyone else had already died. The four of you took a final stand, ready to fight until you all took your last breaths. At first, you seemed to be holding your ground. Jack got in a few minor hits, but for the most part, you remained unscathed. You'd even managed to wound him a bit. But like everything else that day, your victory wasn't going to last.

Terezi got a sword through the chest, which killed her almost instantly. Her dreamself was already dead, there was no saving her. Dave fought with blind anger after that, which is never a good nor safe thing to do. While furiously slashing his sword through the air, trying and failing to cut down that murderer, Jack did a flash-step and got right behind Dave. Rose jumped in front of him at the last second, and was stabbed in her left arm, but not killed. 

She fought only with her right arm for as long as she could, but her strikes became sloppy and slow, until she eventually fainted from the blood loss and waves of pain. You and Dave had no time to help her, you were too busy keeping yourselves alive. Jack was a relentless fighting machine, while you and Dave just got wearier and wearier. 

At one point, Dave got in an amazing strike: he cut off one of Jack's tentacles. Immediately, blood burst from where the appendage had been sliced off, and the villain howled in pain. He flew back a few paces, snarling and glaring as he licked his wounds. You seemed to be at a standoff. You and Dave needed to help Rose, while Jack needed to take care of his sliced tentacle. 

Once it was clear that he was taking a time out, you and Dave rushed to Rose's side. The two of you knelt beside your bro's ectosister. She was unconscious, but still alive. Dave was just about to tie a tourniquet around her wounded arm, when a black sword flashed into existence inside her stomach. It twisted sharply clockwise, and she writhed in agony. A moment later, she stopped all movements and lay still. You weren't sure if she was alive or dead. 

Dave jumped back up and fought like a demon, determined to get his revenge. One wrong step, and he was thrown aside like a ragdoll. He landed on his head several yards away, and crumpled to the ground, unconscious and possibly dead. Who knew? What did it matter anyways, he wasn't coming back into the fight anytime soon.

Tears had been steadily falling down your face for awhile, everything was happening so fast, all the death and the pain. Your heart was breaking into a million little pieces, your soul shattering along with it, your hope and willpower crumbling away in the wind. Your eyes widened in sheer terror when met with the cold, hard stare of that heartless killer. You scrambled backwards, and Jacks simply followed. Step after step, he got closer and closer. 

In your moment of horror, you glanced everywhere, looking for a way out of that mess, and saw your friends. You could see Dave and Rose, most likely dead, or about to be. Terezi, who was most certainly dead. Jade from farther away, definitely dead. You couldn't see Bec Noir anymore, and you never saw Davesprite or Karkat, but they're pretty dead too. Seeing all of them, remembering everything that had happened, it hit you full force. All your friends were gone. And it was THAT FUCKER'S FAULT.

Suddenly, all your fear and heartache went away, tucked into some small corner of your heart. Rage flooded you, invigorating you, giving you more adrenaline than you'd ever had before. You felt like you could kill just about anything, you were SO PISSED OFF.

Without missing a beat, you attacked Jack Noir, a nonstop assault of wind blasts, hammer strikes, and screaming. The two of you went on like that for awhile, dancing in a deadly pattern of strikes and dodges, until eventually you grew weary. That stupid dog/carapacian/arch-agent/bird/tentacle-having thing never stopped or got tired, it seemed. 

Just when you were losing the last of your strength and adrenaline needed to keep up with Jack, a blur dropped down from the sky somewhere and sliced right through his right wing. He howled in pure agony and curled in on himself, stumbling away in a bleary haze of pain. The form that was crouched on the ground was Karkat, one of his two sickles now coated with Jack's blood. 

"K-Karkat...I thought you were d-dead," you stammered, eyes wide in shock.

Karkat stood and rolled his eyes. "I don't kick the metaphorical bucket that easily, Egbert." 

You could see Jack slowly regaining his senses. He looked pissed. Fuck. Karkat noticed the presence too. He grabbed your arm and took off running, tugging you after him. "C'mon, nookwif, it's time to get your shit moving, or your shit is done for!" 

"But Karkat, we have to help them! Dave and Rose! I think they might still be alive, and we have to kill Jack, we can't just leave them there!" you protested, digging your heels into the ground.

"John, are you fucking serious? They're dead. Everyone is dead. And we're about to be too if we don't get the fuck out of here in the next ten seconds that that asswipe takes to kill us." He glared at you, and you knew he was right.

You grabbed him around his waist and took off, flying as far away from that place as fast as possible. A stream of curses traveled with you coming from your passenger, and a string of howls and angry barks were left behind. Jack couldn't fly with only one wing, thank Gog.

You flew all the way back to the ship and locked up all of its entrances and exits. You and Karkat took the entire lower deck of the ship, and closed everything else off. That's where you are now, in your cabin at the bottom of the ship. Jade's ship. You can't take it anywhere without her.

As soon as you were both relatively safe, Karkat went to look for supplies and such around the area. You let him, closing yourself into the nearest bunk and collapsing on the bed. You hid for a long time.

The two of you have been down here for several days, just...waiting. For what, you have no idea, but nothing has been happening, and neither of you can think of anything else to do. Eventually, what you're unknowingly waiting for arrives. It's Dave and Rose. Alive, and perfectly healthy. Apparently, their deaths weren't heroic enough, so they came back to fight another day. All you can say is thank fucking God for God tiers.

The four of you reunited with hugs and tears galore, and then reconvened on the main deck in one of the lounge rooms where you, Jade, and Davesprite spent a lot of time while on the ship.

"So, as I hurriedly explained before, our deaths were apparently lacking in true heroism. We were brought back to life by our God tiers, here to fight another day, and become true heroes, I suppose," Rose says, getting right down to business.

"...and the others?" you ask, already knowing the answer.

"They will not be forgotten, as their heroic deaths and simple deaths have saved us all," Rose declares softly, a tear slipping down her cheek.

You're all silent for a moment, until Karkat breaks it so abruptly, it's like he stabbed the silence with his angry tirades full of curses and insults. "All I want to know is which motherfucking bulgesucker is responsible for this massive screw-up. It wasn't Jack, not really, he just killed. But our plan would have worked except for SOME nookwiff totally fucking us dry into the ground." 

You have to agree with him, your entire stupid plan became some asinine venture because of someone who fucked up big time. You want to know who, and from Rose's uncomfortable look, you think she knows exactly who is responsible for all of your friends' deaths.

"...it's certainly a long story. Many things went wrong that day, that is not to be mistaken," she begins awkwardly, looking down. Her pale hands are clenched tightly together in her lap.

"Well, we have an eternity of huddling together like scared little wrigglers to waste," Karkat declares in response, not budging.

Rose sighs deeply. "Fine. I suppose we should begin with the deaths that were unknown to all present at the moment?" You all nodded in agreement. "Very well. I know that while completely my part of the plan, I saw Bec Noir's body along the way. I'm sure Jack had killed her earlier on. Kanaya had died soon after everything began to go wrong. I was just about to move into my proper position when the accidents happened, and I was forced to go and aid those caught up in the mess. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and was stabbed by Jack as he was being lured to the spot where he needed to be. Her dream self was already dead, and as she was not god tier, she died, and will remain so." Rose takes a bit of an unsteady breath, gulps delicately, and looks expectantly at Dave.

Dave bends over with his elbows balanced on his knees, hands clasped together, pointer fingers hitting his nose, and starts, "Davesprite and I were chilling at our spots, waiting for Noir to show his ugly muzzle, but we knew shit was going down that wasn't supposed to go down when he was late and Kanaya and Rose never showed. We were just about to leave to go investigate and find out what the hell was going on, but then the big bad dog appeared out of nowhere and sliced Davesprite right out of the fucking sky. He crashed, both of his wings gone, feathers and neon-orange blood all over the place. Jack shot down to the ground, and finished him off with a quick stab. I was just about to attack him when some of the others showed up. Terezi, Vantas, and Makara jumped into the scene and ambushed Jack. I thought he was a motherfucking goner, but things didn't exactly go the way I'd been stupidly hoping." He turns to Karkat, expecting him to continue the story.

Karkat rolls his eyes, huffs in annoyance, and says, "Getting lazy, Strider? Or have you finally accepted the fact that my story-telling skills are marginally fucking better than yours?" Dave gives him an unimpressed look, so Karkat clears his throat and actually tells the tale, "Like the douchelord over here said, Gamzee, Terezi, and I had been waiting in those Gogdamn bushes the whole fucking time, biding our time until we could strike and catch Jack off guard. We knew that when he was preparing himself to take down yet another Dave, it was the perfect moment to attack him from the other side, the one he wasn't guarding like the bark-beast he is. We all jumped out, weapons raised and shit about to be made, but the motherfucking guy heard us or some shit and turned. He grabbed us each with those creepy as fuck tentacles and threw us around like weightless little dolls. When he finally tossed us to the ground for good, we had obviously lost our element of surprise, and we were kind of screwed from then on. Terezi got up and ran over to Dave before Jack could catch her so we could form some kind of fucked up square around him. He started attacking out of nowhere, and we had our hands full of tentacles, swords, and other attacking apparatuses. G-Gamzee, he...he pushed me out of the way when Jack was about to stab me. H-he was dead before I could do a fucking thing." Karkat looks down, his voice turning hoarse towards the end. You can hear the tears he's holding back.

You're all quiet for a moment, and then Dave asks, "What happened to Harley?"

You sigh and explain how Jade was in danger, how you went to save her, but she ended up saving you in the middle of the fight. Dave nods, and the other two remain quiet.

"So, now that all the deaths are in perfect fucking order that should satisfy even Lalonde, can we PLEASE know who the hell or what the hell or how the fuck everything got screwed up? I can't slosh through any of this depressing shit anymore," Karkat practically begs, glaring at Rose.

"I suppose now is as good a time as ever. Well, we all know what our original places were, how the plan was to be executed, and what the desired results were. Everything was depending on impeccable timing, everyone being aware of what was going on around them, and how they needed to respond to the parts of the plan that were in action at the moment. It is simply the fact that those requirements were not met which caused the plan to fail utterly," Rose begins. She's stalling. You can tell. She's going over the obvious parts, fancying it up with her big vocabulary, and repeating it over and over again. Shit, whatever really went wrong must've been pretty bad for her to be so reluctant to say what went down.

"Rose, not to be rude or anything, but can you actually get to the fucking story sometime this year?" Dave says, apparently noticing her stalling as well. 

She glares heatedly at him and hisses between her teeth, "Fine. As I mentioned earlier, I myself played a part in ruining our chances of success. When the plan began to fall apart, I was forced to leave my assigned post and head towards the source of the problem, which caused Kanaya's death, and eventually led to everyone else's issues with Jack."

"Yes, Rose. We all get it. Even EGBERT of all people probably gets it by now, you've repeated it so many Gogdamn times. Just get to the fucking point already so we can blame the asshole responsible!" Karkat yells in annoyance.

"Hey!" you shout, turning to glare at the nubby-horned troll. 

Karkat glares right back, he even growls, and you're pretty sure he's about to have a verbal meltdown again, but Rose interrupts. You aren't relieved. Definitely not. You can take Karkat's word vomits no problem. Anyone who says differently is a liar.

"Would you like me to continue the story, or are you content with your immature arguments?" Rose asks, arching an eyebrow in your direction. You and Karkat both quiet down at that, staring and waiting patiently for Rose to begin again. 

She sighs in relief. "Now that's much more like it." Her expression darkens as she truly begins to tell how the plan fell apart. "The original plan was for Jade to create a distraction that put herself in a danger that John would save her from, while Jack was lured to a specific area. He was supposed to attempt to go after Jade due to concern for her safety and while distracted, Dave, Davesprite, Karkat, Terezi, Gamzee, Kanaya, and myself were supposed to attack him. He would have been unprepared for the sudden assault, and we hopefully would have been enough to have beaten him."

She looks up and glances at you with pity-filled lavender eyes. You stare back curiously, you have no idea what that look is about. 

She takes a deep breath and reluctantly explains herself, "It was really a misstep at the beginning of the entire plan that ruined our chances of success. Jade created a distraction effectively, but what followed was where everything went wrong. She got herself cornered by an army of monsters, screamed in fear, played up her role of the damsel in distress. John, hearing the scream, went to her aid, but that is where the problem has its roots."

You think you see where she's going with this, and you wish you didn't. You're already chanting a mantra of nos in your head.

"Following the plan's steps precisely, John should have grabbed Jade at the last possible second and flown her out of the mass of monsters, at which point Jack would have been successfully distracted, and we would have attacked. They then would have joined us, and we would bring Noir down. This, however, wasn't what happened. Instead of grabbing Jade and flying her out of there post-haste, John jumped into the fray, fighting with Jade, causing her herself to have to fight, which resulted in her death, myself coming to John's aid, Kanaya's death, Davesprite's death. Gamzee's death, Terezi's death, and the temporary deaths of myself and Dave," Rose finishes quietly.

You could hear a dust bunny drop in this silence, it's so thick and filled with tension. You can't breath through it, the shock is too great, the realization too horrible. It's all you. It's all your fault. Everyone is dead, and it's because you screwed up so fucking bad.

You're looking down, hands clutching your head, whispering silent strings of denial to yourself. You can feel their gazes burning holes in you. Rose's comes with pity and sorrow, Dave's with horror and the painful stab of anger, but what scares you most of all? 

You can't read Karkat's. 

Sure, you feel those stoplight-red irises on top of yellow scleras burning right into the side of your head. You can feel the intense heat, but you can't tell what emotions they're radiating, which is really weird and it sends a shiver surfing across your skin. You don't know if he's angry, murderous, sad, horrified, shocked, pitying, nothing. 

Eventually, all of the hurtful (in one way or another) stares and suffocating silence drive you crazy, and you abscond. You run like you've never run before and as soon as you're out of the room, you fly. You shoot like a bullet from a gun down the hallways and staircases in the bottom decks of this stupid ship until you find yourself in a room somewhere at the ship's bow, tucked away on the very bottom level. It's some kind of storage room or something, there are a lot of wooden crates stacked up in gigantic towers, filled with who the fuck knows what. 

You sink down into a corner of the room---tucked behind a box that looks big enough to hold an elephant---pull your legs up to your chest, wrap your arms around yourself, and sob.

~*~*~*~*

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and...Holy Mother Grub, has the shit ever just hit the whirling device.

You can't believe what the fuck just happened. Rose, that stalling little bitch, finally got to the point of this whole stupid meeting, and it was none other than John Motherfucking Egbert. You know you give him shit about a lot of things, being a completely dense dunderfuck for one, but you can't believe that he would actually screw everything up. There's no way, not with how much this plan meant to everyone, not with how much of a palhoncho the guy claims to be. 

Seriously, what the everloving fuck is this even supposed to mean? How are you supposed to feel about this? Everyone is staring right at Egbert, who has his head in his hands. You can hear him whispering something, but you can't make out exactly what. 

A quick glance at Rose tells you that she's definitely not angry, but actually pitying and sad. She really seems to feel like a bucketful of shit for having to say what she said. One look in Strider's direction comes with a bit more shock and anger, which honestly surprises you. You didn't think Dave could actually be mad at John because of their whole platonic-soulmate shit.

You yourself are now staring at John, watching how his fingers thread through his hair, the picture of despair. He looks like something that's planet-fucking-Jupiter-sized is weighing down on his shoulders, and you're pretty sure he's about to be squished, the vile flesh container that he is. You really don't know how to feel about this, which is pretty fucking weird. One would expect you to be more enraged than everyone else in the room. You usually are, and now you have a pretty fucking valid reason for feeling so. 

Funny, the one time you should be flipping your wicked shit, you're actually not. 

You just...really don't know. You don't have a fucking clue about how you should feel. Should you be angry? Sad? Horrified? Pained? Should you feel betrayed? Or maybe feel...bad for him? The only thing you do know how to feel is shocked. 

Before anyone can say anything, Egbert pops up like one of those stupid human Jack-in-the-boxes, and absconds out of the room faster than you can blink. The rest of you sit in stunned silence---which is getting thicker and thicker by the minute---watching the door swing closed.

Fina-fucking-lly, some asswipe decides to break the silence. "Oh John..." It's Rose, and with those words she sighs and stares after him, her brows furrowed together in worry so it looks like some furry wriggler attached itself to her forehead. 

"Good fucking riddance, I hope he stays wherever the hell he absconded to," Dave says, looking away and scowling at the ground.

"Dave..." Rose starts, holding out a hand.

Dave holds up a hand to stop her. "Don't you fucking dare, Lalonde. Don't you tell me it's not his fault or some other half-hearted shit that you and I both know isn't true. Everybody is dead, and it's because of him."

Rose stops and settles her hands in her lap, folded and clenched together so hard it looks like she's about to cut off circulation to her hands. You remain silent through all this, you don't know who you agree with more. It's all just one big mess of assfuckery at this point.

Rose takes a deep breath and quietly says, "He didn't mean it, Dave, you know that. It might have been his fault, but it wasn't intentional, and you and I both know that right now, he's tearing himself apart somewhere. I know that it hurts, but I don't think it hurts anyone more than John himself."

Before Dave can reply to that, you're up on your feet, staring at the door like it's hiding the secrets of the game. 

"What is your problem, Vantas?" Dave asks.

"Shut the fuck up, Strider," you say and storm out of the room.

"Now where in Gog's name would I hide if I were a windy little shit?" you murmur to yourself, looking down the many hallways which you know hold hundreds of doors and staircases. It could take years to find Egbert in this labyrinth of asininity.

Well, if you weren't a troll, that is.

Terezi isn't---wasn't, you remind yourself, wincing---the only troll with a heightened sense of smell. She was the one who used it to her advantage most often due to her blindness, yes, but all trolls have a pretty impressive sense of smell. It just gets a bit annoying if you use it all the time. Smelling every little thing around you can be overwhelming and give you a major headache, and you already get enough of those.

You close your eyes, focus on your sense of smell, and take a deep whiff. Immediately, you're flooded with a shitload of different scents. You get a faint trace of Dave and Rose from under the closed door, lots of metal from the ship, and some other odd scents here and there. 

You search for John's scent---a fresh breeze comes to mind, carrying the smell of sunshine, with the slightest hint of an assortment of Betty Crocker shit---until you find it heading down a hallway to your right. You follow it through miles of hallways, past doors that lead to who the fuck knows what, and down way too many stairs.

Eventually, it leads you to some bigass door at the very bottom of the ship. John's scent is flowing from under said door, leaving you with no doubts that the little shitstain is in there somewhere.

You open the door (Gogdamn, this door is heavy as hell) and step inside, only to be met with crates. Towers of them, spread all throughout the room in various sizes and heights. You briefly wonder what all this shit is, but you're kind of preoccupied with something.

You tune out your sense of smell, you don't need it anymore. You can hear soft sobs coming from somewhere on the other side of this crate maze. You follow the noise, and when you find its source, it's pretty shocking.

There he is. The little dipshit, John Egbert, curled into a ball like a little wriggler, rocking slightly. His cries are soft, but the ever-present sobs wrack his shoulders and he shudders like an old hive about to fall over in a storm. His back is turned to you, he's facing a corner like he was put in timeout for playing some shitty prank. 

You warily back the fuck up, not so sure if this is a good idea anymore. He looks like he's dealing with a whole ton of shit and you're not sure if you can handle any of it. Then he says something, but not to you.

"I-I'm sorry! I'm s-so so so sorry! I-I didn't m-mean it! I-I d-didn't want this to h-happen! P-please forgive me..." he trails off once more into quiet sobs.

Now you know you have to do something. He's beating the crap out of himself over this, you need to stop the idiot.

You take a breath, steel your resolve, and step forward. You're right behind him, leaning slightly over his crouched form. "John..." You reach out a hand, not sure what exactly said hand is planning to do. 

"Don't touch me!" John cries out, curling further in on himself. 

You jolt and retract the hand you were reaching out with to touch his shoulder. You can't help but feel your blood-pusher melting into a vile puddle of goopy feelings at the sight of the broken god before you. You didn't ever consider it, you never thought it was actually POSSIBLE.

Your think-pan definitely isn't prepared for this reality-shattering realization: you, Karkat Vantas, actually PITY John Egbert. 

This shit is happening, it's going down right now.

...Holy Mother of Gog.

You would flip your shit some more, but John's sobs are increasing in volume, and now he's shouting shakily at you.

"G-go away Karkat! St-stay away from me! I-I'm a m-monster!" he yells into his arms, and while that muffles the sound, it doesn't do a damn thing to stop your blood-pusher from feeling like it's being stabbed by the words.

"John, you're not a monster. You're just a human being, and as weird and alien as you are to me, I know for a fucking fact that you're not monster-material," you say, crouching down behind him.

"You know what I mean, Karkat. They're d-dead. They're dead and i-it's all my f-fault!" he erupts into sobs again. Jegus, this is not helping that odd pain in your chest at all.

You sigh deeply and, ignoring his earlier protests, place both hands on his shoulders. You turn him around so he's facing you. John stares at you with broken, bottle blue eyes. You can see the sky fucking falling in them, rain pouring in waves. His stupid buck teeth are worrying into his bottom lip as he tries to hold in his sobs. He's sniffling and blinking the tears out of his eyes, only to have more replace them. Gogdamn, he looks like he's in so much PAIN it hurts just to look at him.

"John, listen to me. You. Are. Not. A. Monster. And if I hear one more word out of that windpipe of yours, I will personally shove Batter Witch confectionaries into your wordhole so you'll shut the fuck up and listen to me."

He looks like he's about to protest, but then he takes your advice, shuts the fuck up, and listens.

You nod in approval. "Better. Now listen up, nookwif, because I'm about to spew so many pale things from my mouth, it'll seem like I'm chocking on diamonds. You're not a monster. Yes, our friends are...dead, and yes, some actions you took lead to that outcome, but that doesn't make you some kind of menace. You never intended for them to be hurt, much less killed. You love your friends with all your blood-pusher, even the trolls who fucked with you time and time again during the start of the game. Lalonde and I and even Strider are feeling a lot of pain and hurt over this, but that's a minuscule ant hill next to your motherfucking Mount Everest amount of pain. No monster ever feels remorse, no monster regrets their mistakes or the hurt they've caused others. Monsters don't feel pain at the deaths of others, they don't love, they only hate and relish in misery. That is the exact opposite of what you are and how you're feeling, so tell me, how the everloving fuck does that make you a monster? I sure as hell don't see it," you say, swiping at the tears still trailing down John's cheeks.

"I know it hurts. I know it's fucking painful and that you feel like shit right now; trust me, I know how it feels to be responsible for the deaths of your friends." Your expression turns dark for a minute as you remember some of the shit you yourself have endured, but then you shake it off. This is not a feelings jam for you, this is for Egbert. "You just need to know that it's okay. You shouldn't beat yourself up about this fucking mess, you shouldn't have to run away and deal with it alone. Times are pretty damn tough right now, but it'll be alright. We're not dead yet, and as long as we're alive, we have to keep kicking this stupid game's ass until it gives up. We have to go after the REAL monster, we still have a murderer---the true murderer---to take care of. Jack Noir is going to fucking pay, but we can't make that happen without you. Those fuckasses up there need their friendleader. And as much as I hate to admit it, I need my fellow palhoncho just as much," you finish, staring deep into John's eyes. 

He looks back at you in stunned silence, shocked at your words. Yeah, Karkat Vantas, comforter of John Egbert, of all bulgesuckers? That's some pretty messed up shit, but it apparently just happened.

John bites his lip and looks down. He whispers, "D-do you really mean that? All of it?"

"Every motherfucking word of it," you say with conviction.

John looks back up at you, and for once it isn't with fear or anger or sorrow or shock. There's just the faintest line of a smile on his lips. Nothing compared to what he normally smiles like, but it's a start. 

"Thanks, Karkat." 

Gog, this idiot, what the fuck is he doing to your blood-pusher now?

"Don't mention it. Seriously, I will piss on everything you own if you ever tell anyone about this," you warn, glaring. You don't really mean it, you guess you never really did.

He laughs softly. Fuck, when did his laugh become something that wasn't super dorky and annoying as hell?

You both stand up, and just as you turn to lead the way back up to your little meeting room (there's no way Egbert knows his way back, he was flying aimlessly when he was absconding) he stops you.

"Karkat?" You hear him say quietly.

"What?" you growl impatiently. You may pity the human, but that doesn't mean he can't still get on your nerves and push your buttons like the little shit he is. You turn around to glare at him, just to have John jump forward and hug you. 

...Well color you a nice fucked up shade of surprised.

His arms are around your neck, his face buried in your shoulder. He's standing on his tiptoes just a bit, since he's about an inch shorter than you. Blinking slowly, eyes wide, you wrap your arms around his waist and return the hug. Gog, you forgot how warm humans are. Or maybe it's just John, you don't know, all you know is that hugging Egbert is like hugging a space heater. He's also squishy, like the pink monkey he is.

...You're not enjoying this. You're not, and if anyone says differently, you'll shove your feet up their ass.

"Thank you. Really. I'd probably still be a stupid mess in the corner if you didn't come down here to knock some sense into me," he murmurs, smiling genuinely. You don't even see it, but you can feel his lips curving on your shoulder.

"...You're welcome," you answer. What the fuck? You didn't give your windpipe permission to spew that shit! Since when is your blood-pusher in charge of your other bodily functions?

John pulls away with a laugh. You don't miss his touch. At all.

...Piss off.

"Wow, Karkat. You're actually being kind of nice to me! I like this version of you much better!" he teases.

"Fuck you," you growl, spinning around and storming out of the room. 

The sound of his laugh echoes in the room as he follows you out. It's nice to hear it again, even if it is pissing you off a bit. It sounds kind of like wind chimes ringing with a coming breeze, not the stupid, nerdy laugh he makes it out to be online.

Gog, if your blood-pusher keeps invading your think-pan like this, you think you'll save Noir the trouble and stab yourself.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah okay well, this kind of sucks major ass, but I'm still proud of it! I originally intended to keep this as a oneshot, but I might have an idea for a follow-up. Comment if you want this to be a twoshot instead!


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